I had a math exam at Birckbeck last night. I also had to write an essay on what I think good management is. The math was not a problem, high school flashback supreme. The essay required some thought. Having been a chef, management entails giving credit when credit is due, but otherwise despotic behavior is the only way forward. To rule and lead by fear is a method that can work - I am however still adjusting to the pampy office ways of seated geeks and bureaucratic pedants. Kitchens are simple, if someone is suffering sack them, otherwise just make sure you can do everyone else's job better than they can (and if you can't, don't tell them - just make them feel special and indispensable, it makes later sackings more exciting and painful). Get into the kitchen earlier than anyone else; work faster, more accurately and more confidently than anyone else and you'll soon be eating lesser chefs for breakfast. It's all just food chain.

Offices are more like quantum physics; it's not supposed to make sense. If at any point you think you have grasped the concept, it's time to reevaluate you reasons for being there.

I am straying from the path. They were asking me what I thought good management involves. What kind of management are they referring to? Have they ever had to work for a crazed head chef, a genius, a dictator able to keep his brigade on the ball by fear, breaking arms in oven doors, flinging scalding skillets, shouting, insulting, abusing, physically and mentally. Sounds terrible, yes - but they achieve results, every single time, time after time, plate after plate. I am not referring to your regular bistro or steakhouse. I am referring to the top restaurants. That is where I learned management, ok, not always as heated as described above, but the objective is to remain sharp so as to battle going down or fucking up. So as a manager one should keep everyone sharp, there needs to be a current of authority, minions should know, step out of line, and you’ll be shortened at the knees.

I asked them if there was a word-count for this essay. 'No' came the reply. Are you fucking joking? What do you want? A paragraph, a page, how much? They didn't know. I contemplated giving them what they would like to hear:

'Man management + time management + knowledge of the business rules + understanding of the technological constraints – the bullshit = good management'

It's simple, lead by example. Instead I realised that it was just to test my level of English, so I set about ranting on for a few pages about the total lack of competence I am subject to on a daily basis. After that we had to endure a Q&A session. I am never much interested in these proceedings. I waited for the first stupid question. It came from some foreign fool with a mouth full of gum asking what the pass mark is. The guy on the stage is clearly not my kind of manager because he answered the question. Any self respecting manager would have told gum boy to fuck off there and then, would have advised homey to go home, you won't last 2 weeks. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! I guess Birckbeck needs bums on seats to get their grant from the government.

The stupidity flowed, one daft question after the other.

I have just returned from an hour in the massage chair and seem to have left my train of thought somewhere on the first floor. Sorry, post over.