I have just been to lunch where I had a Curb Your Enthusiasm moment. For anyone who does not know about Curb... it is about the guy, Larry David who co-created Seinfelt. He gets himself into all sorts of embarrassing situations. One example of this is the pants tent. I had a 'pants tent' situation no too long ago on a train from Helsingborg to Gothenburg. I was wearing my new suit and was sat next to a rather, very good looking young Swedish lass, she was a nurse as well. Men will understand. Anyway, the crotch fold in these new trousers could protrude enough to be misleading, when in fact there was nothing suspicious going on. It was just the cut of the pants doing their pants tent thing.

Needless to say, she noticed, I noticed she noticed - but you don't even want to think about trying to explain that I noticed that she noticed that something was going on in my pants, when it wasn't... so you leave it and you've just had a pants tent experience.

Back in the canteen, I made my way to the cashier with my plate of pasta and salad. Thanked Willy the Philipino catering assistant and headed off to the left where the water machine and pepper mill can be found. There was a man struggling with the pepper mill. I'll never understand this, I've had people ask me how i manage to be so authoritative with a pepper mill. It's a fucking pepper mill, what do you expect - if a man is not authoritative with a pepper mill, can you imagine what he is like with his penis. The same goes for women, if they don't know what to do with a pepper mill, I doubt they'll know what to do with your penis.

Anyway, so the guy is fumbling about with the pepper mill. I know he's going to go for the water machine next. The water machine has two streams, one is slow, the other is fast. Even though technically two people should be able to extract water from the fountain simultaniously, owing to English manners and sense of space, no two people ever use the machine at the same time. So I know that pepper mill bloke is going to go for the water, and I know he has not the savvy to recognise a faster stream, I know he is slow boat and will take the thinner, slower water stream. I grab a cup and set about using the fast stream, he finishes with the pepper mill and puts it down. Having been a chef, I can comfortably fork my thoughts and do two things, or at least plan two things to dovetail into one swift movement. So I plan getting my hands on the pepper mill. Before my cup is full another lady picks up the pepper mill. I wait...

As she puts the pepper mill down, the upward curved lip of the tray it is on confuses her and she can't figure out why it keeps tilting and falling over. I watch her fumble. She tries it again, same result. Now one of the many definitions of stupidity springs to mind - 'doing exactly the same thing over and over again expecting different results.' So I reach over and take the pepper mill out of her hand. In my mind I had asked her if I couyld take, but I guess you are supposed to say these things. 'Excuse me' She said, to which I replied 'that's alright' - she gave me a filthy look and stormed off. I then realised that I could not remember what she looked like but I bet she knows exactly what I look like and pretty soon there will be an entire floor of admin ladies who sneer about the tall, gangly rude fella.